Lions Lie Down For Another Big Nap
May 1, 2008
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You might not care who the Detroit Lions drafted last weekend – and you shouldn’t. Cheering for the Lions is one of the great useless enthusiasms of our time. Last season the Lions set an NFL record for, well, the worst record in the NFL, with 16 losses against no wins. That zero is going to be hard to beat. But if any franchise can do it, I say it’s the Lions. Why am I so confident? Because they were not simply bad last year. They’ve been bad for over fifty years. And the current bad is even worse than the usual bad. This is no flash-in-the-pan bad. This is an organization built on a solid foundation of craptasticness, one designed to stand the test of time, and resist the NFL’s every effort to make sure every team eventually gets a trophy. The league’s attempts to make every team a winner would shame the most bleeding-hearted soccer mom. Win too few games, and the league gives you a softer schedule. Make too little money, and they give you some of the New York Giants’. But nowhere is the NFL’s desire for parity more obvious than the annual draft, when the worst teams get to pick the best players first, and the best teams pick last. It’s straight out of the Gospel of Mathew, “The last shall be first and the first shall be last.” But not in Detroit. Here the last will be last. Again and again. Because the only thing worse than the players the Lions pick, is the people who pick the players. When it comes to the draft, there are two strategies: Draft the players who can fill your weakest positions, or draft the best players no matter what position they play. The Lions, boldly, do neither. Last year, the Lions’ defense finished dead last—impressive, in a way. Anyone with half a brain says the same thing: Defense wins championships. But the Lions don’t believe it. Being the worst team, the Lions got the first draft pick this year, and used it to get quarterback Matthew Stafford. He skipped his senior year at Georgia to sign a contract that will pay him between $41 and $78 million dollars. I suppose I might’ve skipped my senior year, too. That’s more money than Michigan’s own Tom Brady gets, and he’s won three Superbowls. CEO pay is way out of line, but at least those guys are adults with college degrees. This is beyond ridiculous – especially when quarterbacks are the riskiest players to take. In the last three decades, the Lions have drafted three other quarterbacks with their first pick: Joey Harrington, a nice guy who could play the piano; Andre Ware, who was not a nice guy, and could not play the piano; and Chuck Long, who was a nice guy, but could not play quarterback – just like the other two. Don’t worry: That won’t stop the Lions. In fact, the Lions have used their top pick for offensive players every year but one this decade – which just happens to be the worst decade any team has ever had. Coincidence? When they try to get the best athlete available, they’re worse. The Lions picked wide receiver Mike Williams in 2005. He caught 37 passes in two years, and is out of football. That’s still better than his predecessor. Wide receiver Charles Rogers failed to pass two drug tests at Michigan State and three in the NFL, and is now in jail. My advice: this fall, spend your Sundays raking the lawn.
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You might not care who the Detroit Lions drafted last weekend – and you shouldn’t. Cheering for the Lions is one of the great useless enthusiasms of our time. Last season the Lions set an NFL record for, well, the worst record in the NFL, with 16 losses against no wins. That zero is going to be hard to beat. But if any franchise can do it, I say it’s the Lions. Why am I so confident? Because they were not simply bad last year. They’ve been bad for over fifty years. And the current bad is even worse than the usual bad. This is no flash-in-the-pan bad. This is an organization built on a solid foundation of craptasticness, one designed to stand the test of time, and resist the NFL’s every effort to make sure every team eventually gets a trophy. The league’s attempts to make every team a winner would shame the most bleeding-hearted soccer mom. Win too few games, and the league gives you a softer schedule. Make too little money, and they give you some of the New York Giants’. But nowhere is the NFL’s desire for parity more obvious than the annual draft, when the worst teams get to pick the best players first, and the best teams pick last. It’s straight out of the Gospel of Mathew, “The last shall be first and the first shall be last.” But not in Detroit. Here the last will be last. Again and again. Because the only thing worse than the players the Lions pick, is the people who pick the players. When it comes to the draft, there are two strategies: Draft the players who can fill your weakest positions, or draft the best players no matter what position they play. The Lions, boldly, do neither. Last year, the Lions’ defense finished dead last—impressive, in a way. Anyone with half a brain says the same thing: Defense wins championships. But the Lions don’t believe it. Being the worst team, the Lions got the first draft pick this year, and used it to get quarterback Matthew Stafford. He skipped his senior year at Georgia to sign a contract that will pay him between $41 and $78 million dollars. I suppose I might’ve skipped my senior year, too. That’s more money than Michigan’s own Tom Brady gets, and he’s won three Superbowls. CEO pay is way out of line, but at least those guys are adults with college degrees. This is beyond ridiculous – especially when quarterbacks are the riskiest players to take. In the last three decades, the Lions have drafted three other quarterbacks with their first pick: Joey Harrington, a nice guy who could play the piano; Andre Ware, who was not a nice guy, and could not play the piano; and Chuck Long, who was a nice guy, but could not play quarterback – just like the other two. Don’t worry: That won’t stop the Lions. In fact, the Lions have used their top pick for offensive players every year but one this decade – which just happens to be the worst decade any team has ever had. Coincidence? When they try to get the best athlete available, they’re worse. The Lions picked wide receiver Mike Williams in 2005. He caught 37 passes in two years, and is out of football. That’s still better than his predecessor. Wide receiver Charles Rogers failed to pass two drug tests at Michigan State and three in the NFL, and is now in jail. My advice: this fall, spend your Sundays raking the lawn.
Copyright © 2009, Michigan Radio
So true...I so relish my mornings waking up to your pieces on the NPR.
uh, but there is a typo, you wrote three, but said two in reference to Chuck Long.
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Perry,
D'oh! Takes a sports writer to fail to add three numbers correctly. I've sent the correction to the webmaster (webmistress? That sounds weird -- and unfairly scandalous!).
And thank you for your kind words! Hope my bosses are listening.
-John
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Good advice!
Better advice...
This fall spend your Sunday mornings listening to 'Off the Field' with John U. Bacon at 10:00 a.m. on WTKA, AM 1050!
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Ah, THAT is what marketing looks like!
I blow it every time. Gave a speech for some 350 people today, and forgot to even mention any of this. No marketing genius here.
Much thanks, Gerry!
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I've heard the term "craptasticness" in sentences before, but this is the first time I've ever seen it in written form. Kudos to you, sir!
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Much thanks, Duffy.
Takes a real literary type to appreciate the sophistication of "craptasticness." I must credit my Michigan MFA friends for turning me on to "craptastic," but the suffix was inspired solely by the Lions.
They bring out the best in me. Every time.
-John
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"This is an organization built on a solid foundation of craptasticness . . ."
John, I think the Lions have not only built on that foundation, but have taken craptasticness to a whole new level. They're the very best at it.
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Joanne,
Good point. Perhaps "craptasterrific" was the word I was looking... to create!
If they manage to go 0-16 again, look for that gem in a later commentary.
-JUB
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The saddest thing about this piece is it illustrates that nobody really cares about fixing the problems.
Millen gets a lot of the blame but have the revisionist historians forgot about Russ Thomas already?
How about the coaching honor roll of Monte Clark, Darryl Rogers, et al? My goodness, the Wayne Fontes era is the best out of the last 50+ years.
Regarding the current administration, Ford fired Millen but left all his cronies. Huh? Cronies who not only orchestrated this clustflub of a draft as Mr. Bacon so eloquently illustrated but also have managed contracts so badly that the Lions started the season with $15 million in dead money. A figure which is by far the worst in the NFL. Do you think that $15 M would have been valuable in free agency?
Which now brings me to the fans. Yes I understand civic pride and supporting your team, but the Lions fans are to blame too. (I'm a Red Wings fan now living in Colorado; would anyone like to see all the insurance claims I've had for car vandalism. Denver is Columbus West).
Only in Detroit could the worst professional sports franchise in North American history get a new $400 million stadium. Only in Detroit would a team that wins only a handful a games, for generations, sell out consistently.
W.C. Ford has NO incentive to improve the product because Lions fans maintain the status quo.
Mr. Illitch... are you interested in a NFL franchise? My goodness, we make fun of the Bengals but Cincinnati has been to the Super Bowl since the Lions last were winners -- TWICE!
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Chris,
Thanks for your note, all the way from Colorado. And hats off for your Wings' loyalty, apparently at personal expense. I'm guessing you have some Wings paraphernalia on your car -- or maybe just a Michigan plate is enough to do it.
No question, the continued failure of the Lions is rather amazing. The honor roll you mention is missing one: Gary Moeller, who went 4-3 in 2000, narrowly missing the playoffs, and the only Lions coach to post a winning record in 30 years. They sign him to a 3 year contract -- when Matt Millen fires him soon after Millen was hired.
Believe it or not, though, I do believe the Ford family wants to win -- and badly. They just have a tremendous knack for hiring the wrong guys -- and paying them millions.
As you know, the Lions are the only team that was around when the Superbowl started that still hasn't made it to the big game - including the Bengals, twice, as you point out.
Wait 'til next year. Or the next.
-JUB
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Great Blog Bacon!
Haha this is funny stuff. As long as WCF owns this crap product, you cannot guarantee any future success. I've seen crappy NFL Defenses, but this is one is beyond god-awful. Yet, same old, same old. When will they learn to do things right? Here's to Aaron Curry becoming the next Ray Lewis and Matt Stafford the next Joey Harrington!
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Much thanks, Ralph!
Too right about the draft. I have little optimism that any of this picks will be worth their stature -- and as you say, the defense was the worst in the league, so they get a quarterback and a tight end.
I grant you, however, that the offense was horrible, too!
-JUB
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